The Empress' New Clothes
by romancing-the-moon
Summary: Sherlock buys Joan her new clothes. Spoilers for 3x12. Thanks to serenitymeimei for the beta!


"Excuse me, I'm looking for a sensible outfit one can do detective work in."

The sales clerk blinked at the man's strange statement. The man stood in front of her, rocking on his toes. His hands were balled into fists; he was almost punching himself in the leg.

"Um..." the sales clerk stammered, looking around her shop. "We have some lovely paint suits -"

"My dear, I think you misheard me. My colleague requires a sensible outfit that she can adequately preform her detective duties in." The man said loudly, bouncing on his heels.

"I'm sorry, what exactly qualifies as 'a sensible outfit for detective duties?'" The sales clerk narrowed her eyes and leaned into Sherlock slightly.

He leaned into the sales clerk and whispered in a condescending tone: "I'll just have a look around."

"You do that then." She ignored Sherlock by busying herself behind the counter.

He went straight to the back wall and pulled a dark sweater-dress off of the rack. He examined it for a few seconds and then draped it over his left arm. He stood for a moment with pursed lips and then marched straight to the sock rack. Sherlock picked up a pair of tights when the sales clerk came up behind him.

"Did you find the size you were looking for?" she asked, indicating the sweater-dress in his arms.

"Yes, but I am in need of some hosiery."

"Hosiery... Well, we have tights, or, we have leggings on the other side of the rack. What colour are you looking for?"

"Colour. My colleague prefers darker colours in winter."

"Oh, she's outside a lot? Well these leggings would keep her warm! They're fleece lined. And they match your sweater-dress nicely."

"Yes. I believe you're right," Sherlock thumbed the fabric delicately; the sales clerk eyed him.

"Your... colleague will like them I think."

"Young miss!" Sherlock said suddenly, making the sales clerk jump. "I am in need of women's undergarments!"

The sales clerk sighed. "Okay, they're on the back -"

"No, not you! I was referring to the other young miss." Sherlock gestured to a second sales clerk emerged from the stockroom who looked startled. Sherlock waved his hand over the first sales clerk's chest. "You're too... busty for your height! My colleague is equally proportioned!"

The first sales clerk stood gaping at Sherlock, who spun on his heels and marched over to the second sales clerk.

"I believe that my colleague is around your size." He eyed the second sales clerk's chest.

The second sales clerk looked at the first incredulously; the first shrugged.

"So she's about a..." The clerk was about to suggest a size when Sherlock turned from her and picked out a pale pink silk bra.

"I require this one in your size!" He demanded, rubbing the fabric between his thumb and forefinger. "And a matching pantie!"

The second clerk pressed her lips together and found the size that he was looking for.

"On second thought, better make it two pairs of both, but make the second in a darker colour!"

"Alright." The second sales clerk found what Sherlock was looking for and brought it up to the counter where the first clerk was waiting.

"And now I'd like this all gift wrapped!" Sherlock bounced excitedly on his toes. He held all of Joan's clothes over his arm. The bra and pantie set were sitting on top of his arm. He hugged them closely to his chest, pretending not to notice the feel of the soft silk.

The second sales clerk wrapped the clothes in a box while the first clerk rang in Sherlock's order.

"Do you want scented beads in the box?" The second sales clerk asked.

"Of course not! I hate to think that I would be responsible for any skin allergy or feminine problem that a pouch of scented beads could create!"

Sherlock shoved the cash towards the first sales clerk, who gladly accepted the money.

"I thank you both for your assistance and bid you good-day!" Sherlock held the packages close to his chest, spun on his heels, and marched out of the store.

"Who was that?" The second sales clerk asked the first.

"I don't know, but he totally has a thing for his 'colleague!''"

Both the girls giggled and went back to work.


End file.
